Wednesday, May 27, 2009


I'm feeling somewhat out of sorts at the moment so please excuse my somewhat depressed ramblings...

Why does motherhood have to be fraught with so many worries? I feel sometimes that I worry about everything and anything- if I don't have something to worry about then I find something. I thought when I was pregnant with Xan that once he was born the worry would go away/ease but I know now that it doesn't. Even simple things like the fact the he likes to sleep on is belly still bother me sometimes. I know he is past the age of SIDS but still... I just can't believe that my baby is going to be a toddler, that he is growing so fast. I feel at times like my life is flashing before my eyes and I am not actually getting a chance to live and enjoy it. I can't believe that we are going to have another baby! It all seems so unreal to me- like a crazy dream. I feel bad that I am not more excited about this pregnancy and it isn't that I don't want this child but I worry that I won't have enough love in me for both of my children. I worry that I will be a bad mother and screw my kids up. I worry that they will be safe and healthy. I worry because Xander is such a peanut- I dread going to his drs apts because everytime we go I get the third degree about his eating and his peeing and his pooping and them being concerned b/c he hasn't gained enough weight and he isn't very tall and maybe there could be something wrong with him but really he looks ok... and I feel in my heart that he is fine and wonderful and perfect but that seed of doubt is being planted everytime we go! I grieve and mourn the fact that my milk dried up and he has to drink formula and since he has started on the formula he has had one ear infection after another and that b/c my body failed him he is somehow going to be scarred for life but I know in my heart that I couldn't do anymore than I did and the three month of pumping and blisters and sore nipples and mastitis and pain and agonizing over every single drop of milk that I managed to squeeze from my body was worth the effort but then I think I should have been able to do more for him- like I gave up too soon- but there wasn't much I could do when he just wouldn't take the breast anymore. And I feel somewhat resentful of this new baby- but more so my body- like I should have been able to breastfeed and be pregnant and work nights full time and that combo shouldn't have caused my milk to dry up- to the point where I honestly don't know if I resent my body or my job or the baby or Xan b/c he finally gave up on the boob. and then i wonder why all this bother me so much months after the fact, I mean the bottom line was that my child needed to eat and I didn't have enough milk for him anymore. I am 23 weeks pregnant this week- based on my new due date from my u/s- and part of me wants to celebrate the fact that at 24 weeks a pregnancy is viable but the rest of me is still refusing to belive that I am pregnant and in a few short months will hopefully be holding another baby in my arms. I worry b/c the baby is breech and I am scared of having to have a c/s and even though I know that the baby has PLENTY of time to turn and that even if she doesn't there are things we can try to turn her and I shouldn't even be thinking about this for like another 3 months...I worry. Over the last couple of days as I have played witness to the births of three healthy babies, I look at them and look at me and think this is going to be you in late September/early October. Your baby could look like this. With Alexander I couldn't wait for that day but for some reason this time around I just can't seem to picture that day in my head. Maybe it is just b/c I am so busy that I don't have time to think about another child- between work and the house and the garden and Xan and all the other things I have circulating in my head these days I just CANNOT picture what our lives will be like with another child. I can't see how I will have room in my heart, in my life, in my schedule for a whole extra person but even with those scary, OMG, what are we going to do moments when this little person inside me kicks there is that wonder and awe that Frank and I created another living being and that being is growing inside of me and when s/he is born we will have the awesome responsability of taking care of her but we will also have had the awesome responsability of having created her. I just hope we don't screw it up!


Haley said...

Whitney, Honey...don't worry. You have PLENTY of love to go around. Your children are so lucky to have you for a mother.

chrissy said...

Hon - I miss you! Dont beat yourself up... you are an amazing mother!

I keep trying to email you but it bounces back to me undeliverable :(