Alexander is ONE!!!!!!

I really am having a hard time believing my baby is one! These photos are actually from the day before his birthday- but close enough! We had fun at picture people as Xander decided to be less than cooperative as he kept trying to walk up to the photographer and steal her camera! Despite his lack of cooperation we really were able to get some cute shots! Anyway so after our big outing to Nashua on Friday we had Xander's birthday party on Saturday morning- his actual birthday! Despite less than stellar turnout- I think only about 10 people actually came- we did have a really fun time. Melissa made an absolutely gorgeous and delicious cake and Xan even had his own smash cake which he mostly just picked the frosting off. We had the party down at the community center so there was plenty of room for the little ones to run around, which they did! I think Xander really enjoyed himself and that was the most important part. He was a total trooper staying awake the whole party and not getting fussy even though he was getting tired at the end. I think the lure of playing with his brand spanking new John Deere lawn mower was enough to keep him from losing it- even though May kept trying to steal it from him! Anyway after the party we all came home and crashed! Xander and both took a long nap and felt much better afterwards! Grandma Linnenbringer and my mom were both here as well as Frank's Aunt Elaine and Robert, Mugino, George and May all came back to house afterwards so they apparently had a good time while Xand and I slept. I guess Robert and Frank busted out the water guns and went to war with May and George- can you guess who lost? Our little prince- isn't he cute?

worry...resentment...frustration

I'm feeling somewhat out of sorts at the moment so please excuse my somewhat depressed ramblings...

Why does motherhood have to be fraught with so many worries? I feel sometimes that I worry about everything and anything- if I don't have something to worry about then I find something. I thought when I was pregnant with Xan that once he was born the worry would go away/ease but I know now that it doesn't. Even simple things like the fact the he likes to sleep on is belly still bother me sometimes. I know he is past the age of SIDS but still... I just can't believe that my baby is going to be a toddler, that he is growing so fast. I feel at times like my life is flashing before my eyes and I am not actually getting a chance to live and enjoy it. I can't believe that we are going to have another baby! It all seems so unreal to me- like a crazy dream. I feel bad that I am not more excited about this pregnancy and it isn't that I don't want this child but I worry that I won't have enough love in me for both of my children. I worry that I will be a bad mother and screw my kids up. I worry that they will be safe and healthy. I worry because Xander is such a peanut- I dread going to his drs apts because everytime we go I get the third degree about his eating and his peeing and his pooping and them being concerned b/c he hasn't gained enough weight and he isn't very tall and maybe there could be something wrong with him but really he looks ok... and I feel in my heart that he is fine and wonderful and perfect but that seed of doubt is being planted everytime we go! I grieve and mourn the fact that my milk dried up and he has to drink formula and since he has started on the formula he has had one ear infection after another and that b/c my body failed him he is somehow going to be scarred for life but I know in my heart that I couldn't do anymore than I did and the three month of pumping and blisters and sore nipples and mastitis and pain and agonizing over every single drop of milk that I managed to squeeze from my body was worth the effort but then I think I should have been able to do more for him- like I gave up too soon- but there wasn't much I could do when he just wouldn't take the breast anymore. And I feel somewhat resentful of this new baby- but more so my body- like I should have been able to breastfeed and be pregnant and work nights full time and that combo shouldn't have caused my milk to dry up- to the point where I honestly don't know if I resent my body or my job or the baby or Xan b/c he finally gave up on the boob. and then i wonder why all this bother me so much months after the fact, I mean the bottom line was that my child needed to eat and I didn't have enough milk for him anymore. I am 23 weeks pregnant this week- based on my new due date from my u/s- and part of me wants to celebrate the fact that at 24 weeks a pregnancy is viable but the rest of me is still refusing to belive that I am pregnant and in a few short months will hopefully be holding another baby in my arms. I worry b/c the baby is breech and I am scared of having to have a c/s and even though I know that the baby has PLENTY of time to turn and that even if she doesn't there are things we can try to turn her and I shouldn't even be thinking about this for like another 3 months...I worry. Over the last couple of days as I have played witness to the births of three healthy babies, I look at them and look at me and think this is going to be you in late September/early October. Your baby could look like this. With Alexander I couldn't wait for that day but for some reason this time around I just can't seem to picture that day in my head. Maybe it is just b/c I am so busy that I don't have time to think about another child- between work and the house and the garden and Xan and all the other things I have circulating in my head these days I just CANNOT picture what our lives will be like with another child. I can't see how I will have room in my heart, in my life, in my schedule for a whole extra person but even with those scary, OMG, what are we going to do moments when this little person inside me kicks there is that wonder and awe that Frank and I created another living being and that being is growing inside of me and when s/he is born we will have the awesome responsability of taking care of her but we will also have had the awesome responsability of having created her. I just hope we don't screw it up!

Xander gets some real shoes!

So today Xander wore his first real pair of shoes! So exciting- well for me anyway, he kinda stumbled around for a little bit! He wore a pair of crocs that Carol and Co gave me as a baby gift and I thought would be too small for him by this summer but they were too big last summer. Luckily he is a little peanut child and they fit perfectly- goo thing since they are the only shoes that do! They don't make much in hard soled shoes in a size 2! Darn those early walkers... Here he is in his stumbling glory right after I put the shoes on...

Visit with Naomi

So Monday Xander and I went for a visit with Naomi and Reba. Naomi is such a cute little peanut. I forgot how much they sleep when they are that little. Xander was a whiny beast- sorry Reebs- but I think overall we had a nice visit. We had chili and Xander ran around like a mad man! It still astonishes me how fast he can get into things he isn't supposed to!

and because Reba tagged me on her blog, I am now responding (and tagging Haley and Hannah back!)

Eight things I look forward to:

1. sleeping through the night

2. when the weather gets nice enough to talk walks with the girls/babies

3. having some quiet time by myself with no kids/husband/dogs/cats/sheep/cows/etc

4. acquatics class

5. hearing people say that I have a beautiful baby (it never gets old.... selfish me!)

6. maternity leave

7. watching my kids grow up with Jen/Sheena/Darcy/Amy's kids and having that neighborhood bond

8. watching Xander become a big brother

Eight things I did yesterday:

1. took a nap

2. talked on the phone

3. fed Xander

4. changed Xander's diapers

5. played Farm Town on facebook- I'm addicted!

6. checked my email

7. sewed an outfit for a baby clothing swap

8. posted ultrasound pictures of the new baby

Eight shows I watch:

1. In Plain Sight

2. Medium

3. ER

4. Heros

5. Numb3rs

6. Supernatural (only with DH present however b/c otherwise occasionally they are too scary!)

7. Bones

8. Backyardigans- Xander's favorite!

sorry about the double spacing- I cut and paste and that is what you get!

Well it's official...

Xander is going to be a big brother! Sometime in September. My original due date was beginning of Sept but after the 20 week u/s they changed it to the end of Sept so... hopefully it will be a September baby, but given my history with Xander I'm not looking to deliver any earlier than my due date! Here are some freaky alien pics...

well those came out pretty small but oh well! The one on the top is the freaky alien baby face- don't you just love those eye sockets staring at you! The bottom one was a pretty decent profile shot. The baby is lying sideways in my belly sucking on his/her toes (NO we do not know the gender and NO we are not going to find out so you will all have to wait to see with us in September!), so that lump you see up by her (I'm calling it a her for the sake of not having to use multiple pronouns and b/c Frank thinks it is a girl) nose is actually her foot. So that'smy big news!

Alexander's birthday party!

So it's official Xander will be having a big birthday blow out on May 30th (his actual birthday) at 11:30am at the ELM Center in town. I sent out all the invites so if you didn't get yours let me know (or blame the PO b/c I never forget or lose anything......). I ahd a lot of people ask me for gift ideas so I made a list here: http://www.amazon.com/wishlist/2LP38PL1ZOL9E. Let us know if you are coming and we hope to see everyone then!

Xander is 11 months old!

The things I can't seem to believe today: It's May!, in a few short weeks my baby will be a toddler, my "baby" is walking around and would rather play by himself most of the time than be cuddled by me, he is going to be going to a big boy daycare, how tired I am.... I took some pics yesterday on his bday so I'll have to download them and post but now I am going to flop on the couch b/c that is all I seem to have the energy for today!