Today I find myself thinking of you, not surprising since it's your birthday! I'm finding it hard to believe that it's been 6 whole years since you've been gone. They say that time heals all wounds and I guess in a way it does but I still catch myself thinking I've got to tell Deniz about this, and then I remember. I remember that you never got to meet Frank or sing at my wedding like we planned or meet my boys. How is it that my boys are going to grow up not knowing you! We never did get to take that trip to California or go back to Istanbul together. I feel like I never got the chance to say goodbye. Once I get pst the remembering comes the anger- why didn't you get the chance to meet Frank or sing at my wedding or meet my boys? Why didn't we have the time to go back to Istanbul or take that trip to CA? Why were you taken from us so young? I don't have the answers... but today on your birthday I was there as we brought 4 new lives into this world. And I'd like to think that each one of them has even a fraction of your spirit!
Do you know that everytime I read a Mercedes Lackey book I think of you. I still remember the very first time we met- me hiding in a corner with a book and you stopping to say hello and "I love that book." Everytime I watch the X-Files I remember those Sunday nights spent in the students lounge. I remember you and Brenda fighting for a solo in glee club singing for like an hour and Mr S still not being able to decide so you had to split it. Lighting firecrackers on the roof of your apartment in Montreal. You greeting me on crutches and saying Surprise! Touring the Botanical gardens. Hanging out in the library. Skiing in those horrible hot pink snowsuits- what were we thinking?!?!? Your smile. Trapeze school. Shopping in the covered bazaar. Singing.
After the sadness and the anger come the good memories, still tempered by sadness, but I find myself smiling as I think of our teenage selves. God we were so young! On the way to work tonight I listened to the Concert Choir cd that you made our senior year and I like to think that I can pick your voice out. We were so proud of you when you finished your engineering degree but I will always remember you best singing. And I know that even if my boys never get to meet you in person they can meet you through my memories and through your voice recorded on that cd.
Punxsutawney Phil says spring is going to come early this year- I'm taking it as a message from you! I miss you so much my love. Good Night, spoons.
In loving memory of Deniz Sarikaya, 1978-2005